its been a long time i've felt like this again...its pretty sad to put inside the heart...so i might as well spill it all out here...my crappy sad stuffs! no one would notice probably...if anyone does im doomed. LOL. hah...trying to cheer up...so not. Orz
pretty stress lately...i suck at managing time and i got lousy skills in assignments...well im damn busy and stress that i dont feel like doing it anymore...might as well fail? not an option! so just stick with the stress....=,=
that aside, today i bought some foods home for snacks...then i saw my classmate "not fren i guess?" sitting in the living room engrossed on her laptop. trying to communicate with her, i said in a friendly manner: hey HXX MXXX! (for the privacy of her) wanna eat some foods? =) *yup. with a smile.*
then all hell turn loose! 2 friends were with me too that time...and they said about the same thing as me but with more CHARM and BETTER SMILES...i was totally ignored....=,=....she just gives response to them...smiling back, chatting with them~~~
this is not the first time...i realize i wasnt popular at all..well that doesnt matter but being left out does matter to me...i feel....unimportant...not needed...im just a keh leh feh....ever since high school...sucks to be me...i suck badly at socializing with girls seriously...even guys too....its not that i want to get a girlfriend or something like that...i just want a variety of friends...i want something different...not just dota and games but barbie dolls *joking*...
ugh...felt depressed as thr were stress from assignments too...my mind SNAPPED...i went straight to my room at locked myself away from the outside world! and shouted: Kuso! Kuso! doushite ore wa?! doushite?!!!! teme!!!! bakayarou!! ore wa baka da!!! OBAKA DESU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *phew*....more facepalms coming...i call it the double facepalm!!!
This is my typical kyon facepalm
This is when one is not enough!
shouting and shouting until im out of breath....i turned on the speaker volume and started to play some of my all time favourite sentimental songs from the anime Angel Beats! wherever, whenever, whatever, i can listen to this song with full of emotions and feelings....this song is nonetheless, ICHIBAN NO TAKARAMONO....both Karuta and Yui version is awesome!!!not to forget MY SONG by marina....tears start to flow when the music plays~~and i just immense myself in the depth of the song....all the tones, the rhythm, the lyrics....truely touched my heart...its the only way to express my feelings of sadness, frustrations, stress, disappointments....but also....hope....
its a tradition to me...when i get depressed, i would cry and shout and sing and eat as much as i want...then i would have a surge of momentum to do better, to live better, to work harder, to realize that there is more in life....but sometimes i use to do things alone....maybe i can focus more? or im just avoiding? hmmm...only my heart knows?
then i felt like writing my feelings in my old lousy blog...to document my life history i guess? no one understands me....haiz....neither do i i guess...but i definitely know more....probably im jz selfish? im jealous? tons of thoughts rained my mind....one question comes in mind: why im not as good as them?
yeah...we are all born differently...its a fact....but...but...i wont accept this!!! thinking back, some even called me "kiasu zai"..thats pretty harsh i think because it sounds like a bad connotation...i definitely dont like losing but its nothing wrong to not like to lose!!! i want to win because its success, its happiness, its progress...it means alot to me...so whats wrong if im doing my best to win? im not using shortcuts or dirty tricks! im competiting with everyone FAIR AND SQUARE!
turns out the more i write the more i get confused with myself...=,=....oh well, life have its up and downs...but i want to live a great life....full with happiness and friends that are REAL....and more attention from friends....i feel invisible most the time...=,=....
one of the best episode ever....confirm cry!!!!
lets see how my life goes....in the future....when i read this again..its gonna feel like 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～ LOL...
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